Rewilding myself

[galadhir]

Back in March I posted about how I had decided to go on the Fuck It Diet in an attempt to find out what would happen if I stopped yo-yo dieting.

I've been on and off diets since I was 25, and I've varied between a size 12 (US 8) at my smallest and 22 (18)at my biggest. I have been plagued all that time with the belief that I had no upper limit. I thought that if I stopped dieting I would simply get larger and larger until I could not move.

I knew from all those years of dieting that I had a lower weight limit - a weight below which I could only force myself with great effort. And - if I did make it below that weight - my health would go haywire, and I would find myself uncontrollably eating chocolate biscuits all day long.

But I discovered various sources from Health At Any Size to Intuitive Eating that claimed that everyone had an upper weight limit too. These sources claimed that if you simply ate only when you were hungry and stopped when you were full, your weight would normalize within a weight range defined by your upper and lower weight set points.

As I was convinced by the research that said that dieting was bad for you, and as I had begun to develop symptoms of binge-eating disorder, this sounded (a) too good to believe, and (b) like something I should try nevertheless.

So, yeah, back in March I came off the Slimming World Diet and began to eat whatever I wanted whenever I felt hungry. I retired my scales, so I don't know how much weight I put on, but I went up from being a size 14 to being a size 20. This was unsurprising but very depressing and made me extremely anxious and sad.

Still, the books said that during the refeeding process (when your body was being convinced there was no famine any more) you would go right up to the top of your weight range first. But crucially - if you kept your nerve and didn't diet - you would then go back down a little before you settled somewhere in the middle of your range. So I persisted.

Amazingly enough, I did then begin to go back down. My belt got looser by a good two inches. I found that I fitted better into a size 18 than the 22 I had been eyeing with regret a month before. And now I have indeed settled somewhere around the size 18 that I was when I started dieting at age 25.

I've got to consider that a huge triumph, and relief. So yeah. I can say from personal experience that the HAES, Fuck It Diet people are right. If you eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full, you do stabilize around a weight somewhere in the middle of your range. And it will be fatter than you hope, but not as fat as you fear.

Comments

[watervole]

Fascinating.

[galadhir]

It's amazing to me, after all these years struggling with my weight, to realize that I should have done something else with all that time, energy and willpower!

[mistressofmuses]

Congratulations!

I'm trying very hard to let myself try the same thing. I've not had a healthy relationship with my weight, so it's a struggle to get over the mental hurdles!

I'm really glad it worked well for you, and that helps encourage me to try!

[galadhir]

Mentally, the whole thing of trusting the process and *not* panicking and dieting as I saw myself getting fatter and fatter was really hard. I did almost give up several times. And it's not all roses having got here - I don't really like how I look in the mirror, and dancing is a lot harder work with the extra weight. Putting on weight has not helped my pre-existing arthritis either.

Plus, I still have to wrestle with the fact that I want too much sugar than can possibly be good for me. Just because I can now eat as much as I want, and whatever I want, doesn't change the fact that some foods are not good for me. So - now that I've got the weight to a point where it isn't a factor - I've still got to tackle trying to eat in a way that doesn't give me diabetes and thrush and blocked arteries and all that.

But it's at least one of the many food related issues that suddenly feel like a lot less of a problem. It's easier to tweak food for health when you're not also dealing with it like an alcoholic dealing with drink.

[mistressofmuses]

Trusting the process is definitely a struggle for me.

And oof, big same re: sugar. I very much like sweets, and at work I never have time for a real lunch... which means I often rely on what I can grab at the gas station a few doors down for a snack... and that's almost always something sweet. There's often not an easy "healthy" option to swap for. So I've definitely got some stuff like that to try and sort out, even if I don't obsess over my weight itself.

Though that's a really good point - the unhealthy relationship so many people have with food (like an alcoholic dealing with drink... and also you HAVE to eat something) isn't a good starting point for much of anything resembling progress.

[shipperslist]

Ohh, someone else who has read The Fuck It Diet! Have you read Aubrey Gordon's book (What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat)? It's also fascinating and I can't wait for her next book to come out in January.

[galadhir]

I haven't read it, but I'm a big fan of her Maintenance Phase podcast, and I was considering buying the book. It sounds like I should at least put it on my Christmas list :)

It's been interesting to come back to this post from 2022 because I am now much more settled in my eating and no longer feel the need to stress about sugar. It turns out that it is in fact true that when you don't restrict sugar you eventually get to a point where you often end up fancying sushi instead :)

[shipperslist]

It's most excellent and I highly recommend it to pretty much anyone (just like I recommend Maintenance Phase). If you're interested in my review, check her on my author tag.